"I took a deep breath and recited my vulnerability prayer as I waited my turn: Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen. Then, seconds before I was introduced, I thought about a paperweight on my desk that reads, “What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?” I pushed that question out of my head to make room for a new question. As I walked up to the stage, I literally whispered aloud, “What’s worth doing even if I fail?" - Brené Brown
Where does low shame come from?
Most clients do not come to therapy asking for help dealing with shame, yet this emotion is often one thing that is at the root of our most common struggles, including: low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, isolation, perfectionism, addiction, procrastination, and difficulties in relationships, work, or school.
Even though shame is a natural, universal emotion, we often do our best to avoid thinking or talking about it, because - well, shame is so shameful! Unfortunately, silence, isolation, secrecy and judgment are some of the most powerful ways to increase shame.
Like it or not, human beings are wired to experience shame, which plays a crucial role in ensuring our survival as a species. In order to stay alive, human beings need physical safety and nourishment. What is often not recognized, however, is that human beings also require love and belonging in order to survive. Shame makes us curtail certain behaviors so we will be accepted within our social group. If we stay within our social group, we have more protection from enemies and harsh environmental conditions. And, just as importantly, we have a greater chance of fulfilling our natural human need for love and belonging.
Shame can become toxic, however, when it is experienced chronically, in an oppressive or abusive manner, or not paired with experiences of repairing the ruptures that shame creates in important relationships. Shame triggers a physiological stress response, causing stress hormones to be released and the nervous system to go into fight, flight, freeze or collapse mode. This can increase feelings of anxiety, rage and depression, while making it harder to cope with any new stressors that arise.
As psychotherapist Tara Brach writes: “Feelings and stories of unworthiness and shame are perhaps the most binding element in the trance of fear. When we believe something is wrong with us, we are convinced we are in danger. Our shame fuels ongoing fear, and our fear fuels more shame. The very fact that we feel fear seems to prove that we are broken or incapable. When we are trapped in trance, being fearful and bad seem to define who we are.”
Shame, self-criticism and low self-esteem are strengthened and reinforced by silence, isolation, secrecy and judgment, but they cannot survive in the face of empathy, self- compassion and connection.
I help people to:
Develop greater self-compassion and acceptance of their authentic selves
Understand the causes of low self-esteem and chronic self-criticism
Learn what to do it they are having a "shame attack"
Assess and shift expectations, beliefs, behaviors and relationships that reinforce shame and low self-esteem
Identify and nurture personal strengths, passions, gifts and interests